Pigeon open mic night.
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Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?