My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing