that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
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Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Welcome
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”