*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
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I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
yeah 😭
choose your fighter
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.