My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
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[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.