My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I am also baked goods
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.