It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You Might Also Like
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
one last job
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
me, too, girl. me, too.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.