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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Me in tagged photos
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap