mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections