Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get