If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Aaaa…CHOO!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)