Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Finally!
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
giddy up Office Depot
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”