An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
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“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday