I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours