Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
You Might Also Like
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.