*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is