Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
When they try to steal your moment.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
man i love columbo
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand