To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You Might Also Like
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Risking my life for fun.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.