Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
The first matador
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*sewing*
A thread
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious