Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache