2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
That’s what I call a flat tire
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*