[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
You Might Also Like
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.