My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
new wife guy just dropped
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming