If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.