Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses