My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.