This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT