Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
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me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.