You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I can’t wait!
The three genders
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I put the mess in domestic.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Perfect