911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”