Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
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overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??