[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
More like Kate Missington.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!