Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
You Might Also Like
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”