I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.