Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
You Might Also Like
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Good morning, Twitter x
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston