Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage