Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf