Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
You Might Also Like
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.