who will stop them
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Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I can also cook 😂
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.