Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful