You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.