You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
channeling her this year
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza