I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*limbos under the caution tape
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Friends that check up on you >
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me