Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?