No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
what the hell pray for carter everyone
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.