who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Still a very good boi….
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
This why you should mind your business
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop