Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
You Might Also Like
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.