For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
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What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Name this drama.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.