I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I have never related to a cat more
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready