The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
this isn’t threatening at all
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
ibopfufen
He’s dead
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
OH. COME. ON.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My favorite female superhero
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated